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Yeah, but I can just visualize me swinging my pen back and forth at a canoeist; like the guy in the Temple of Doom swinging his sword at Harrison Ford.  Harrison just took his gun out and shot him.

Well that's the problem, you don't swing the pen, you offer it as a peace offering to the hostile portage monkey ;D
Then as his beady little eyes are fixated on it, you jab it into his throat/ribs all the while screaming " Are you looking at me, you must be looking at me" ;)
And that's how you use your pen/Kubotan 8-)