Magic, I am so sorry to hear about your loss!  A sudden and unexpected death of your loved one just completely takes your legs out from under you.  Take it easy, it will take quite a while to recover from the grief.  We all do recover, but at first you think you can't/won't.  I know you will.  Eventually the pain and longing go away and your life settles again as you accept the new reality.  I have a great fondness for you and hope we will be able to get together for more paddling sometime.  Meanwhile you will be strong and my sincerest condolences to you and your family.  Vicki