I agree totally with what you are saying ST, and I have apologized to my cousin for my blunder.  It cleared the air somewhat, but our relationship will never be quite as comfortable as it was.  I hope i have learned from the experience, and will try to be more careful on such "hot topics" in the future.

The anecdote about the peanut butter cookies is exactly like what I learned from my cousin!  I still don't understand it, but I have to now respect it.  That won't do me any harm.   ;)  I loved to bake cookies and pies with my grandmother, but when I feel like baking, I try to take a few of my cookies to one of the people whom I visit from our church who are homebound.  The "Stuck-in's" as our new pastor calls them.  To me that is honoring Grandma a lot more than leaving them to rot on her tombstone.  But, of course, that can be said for flowers, too.

I will explore the link you sent.  I am not Catholic and I feel no need to abide by the rules of the RC Church, but I also think if scattering would make the experience more traumatic for our granddaughter and son-in-law, it might be kinder to not do that.